It's a sad and happy time right now, sitting here with my 3 year old niece. She is so beautiful and full of God. I pray my family will see it and see how close their salvation is.

real salvation.

I pray that for us all, that we will grab onto the truth of Jesus Christ, of God and of how much He SERIOUSLY loves us and died and has been aching at us since the beginning.

Ephesians is good.

I am thankful for the group of people God has put me here with.
It's hard sometimes, but so what?
It's worth it. Hard is only an illusion, anyway.
I've been thinking about what the point of this time is..
Why I am here, what I am to do, blah blah blah.
God's been showing me that it is not about me and wherever I am and whenever that is, HE is the purpose of it.
Not for MY healing, although it is often a byproduct. Not for MY relationships, although HE uses them and directs them, and when they are focused on Him they work out well. Not for anything about me. My life is His.

Tonight at church I was thinking, again.. The series we are going through has made me really think, and of course I will not ask questions or speak up. But anyway . . I've really been wondering what am I doing!? Am I really serving Christ in EVERYTHING I do? If not, why? and who? and how often? It's not okay for this to be going on! And my solution? TRY HARDER, DO MORE, THINK MORE. Wrong.

I can't save myself and God cannot love me more if I strive.
What I can do . .
Surrender.
Accept Jesus as Lord and Savior and go forward.

The daily battles will be there, and HE will be there.

you
have
placed
my
feet
on
a
wide
path

i
have
not
yet
slipped.

Everyday is another step closer to Christ. I can just feel it within me. Handing over everything. Someone or something was talking about how in other countries when people accept Christ they leave EVERYTHING. Their lives, their family, their job, everything. Because they literally cannot serve those two masters. I want to be like that. Not serving the world or myself or my fears.

Sitting here, crying, listening to Jon Foreman, waiting to get a ride to see a beautiful young girl who needs a whole lot of love. WHY AM I SO ADDICTED TO ME?

THIS IS KILLING ME.

Would you create in me
a clean heart,
O God.
RESTORE IN ME THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION.

God, why are you so loving and passionate for us when we run and listen to the lies and try to mess up everything you are doing? I do not understand. Please help me. Love Lisa.

all of our problems come down to one conclusion:
"I am addicted to me".
Thanks Pema

I am addicted to that place in the afternoon. It's become a habit for me, and that is why it is so hard.
That is why it is so easy to melt down and sit in the corner and miss everything.
I spend all the energy on what is not even real.
Fantasy, illusion, it's so addictive.

My life is up here, in my head, and not down here, in reality. Not fully present in the moment right now.

We are addicts to our heads.

We are all stained glass. I've been seeing that a lot lately.
Beautiful when the Son shines in.
Beautiful, anyway, even with all of our broken pieces and layers.

This has been such a different time in my life. Last week I graduated high school, had a grad party, moved in to an intentional community, met many people, went to down town St. Pete and visited with homeless people, spent time with people I knew really well and ones I don't. I've learned much.

Between the freaking outs, sugar crashes, crying, and praying, God's shown me a lot.

To begin with, I made a decision that was hard to make. I decide to stay in the States while most of my friends go over to Guatemala this summer. It wasn't easy. I know that I'm capable of serving people and that I really love everyone in the village of Panimaquin, but somehow I am just not ready. God helped me to get to the place where I could seriously look myself in the face, seeing all that I am (well, most) and understand where I am. Not in some fantasy book or some super churched-up bubble, I understand that I am not yet ready to go to a third world country, with broken people who need love, when I cannot get over myself. Don't get me wrong, I believe that God works through the broken, and even me, but I've decided to stay back this time.

It's hard to make those kid of decisions, and intelligently without bringing your emotions into it, when you have been raised for 18 years to react that way. I'm sure that others can relate to this. I'm glad that there are people around me to encourage the Christ in me and to allow me the place to live.

Oh, and also, the hi-light of my day was swimming with Jon Newhall and the gang in our pool. God is so awesome.